I never thought that he might be the reason

I’m not sure that I can take this anymore.  This is not the life I want to lead.

 I’m having trouble concentrating at work.  I couldn’t sleep last night until after 2am.  I’m feeling miserable.

I’m tired of all the dysfunction with my SO and his family.  I’m tired of him addressing (even chastising) certain family members about the littlest things, while others continue to act inappropriately, usually with no recourse.  

I’m feeling worn down and miserable.  I’m trying to evaluate whether or not I can honestly live with this dysfunction for the rest of my life.

 Over the past two years, I’ve thought, “Can I handle this?” or “Can we get through this?” many times.  

I initially thought that the threats and interference from his crazy ex-wife (cew) might tear us apart.  

Then, I thought that the stress of his 13 year old daughter (who stole personal items from me, cursed at me, and has physically attacked her father) might be the impetus for our split.  

However, I no longer believe that other people’s behavior will determine whether or not we survive as a couple.  I believe that my SO’s behavior might be the reason. 

The 11 year old daughter is clearly my SO’s favorite.  Like her mother, this girl has a knack for manipulation and pushing buttons.  She has likely learned this from cew.  

To the detriment of everyone, my SO lets this child get away with rude, inappropriate behavior.  In addition, my SO grants her requests for favors, while the rest of the family is denied similar requests.  The 11 year old has purposefully made everyone in our household upset on many occasions. 

Yesterday, the 11 year old demeaned the 13 year old’s appearance so badly that the older girl burst into tears in our living room. 

Thanks to the 11 year old’s comments, the 13 year old felt too self-conscious about her body to leave the house.  She opted to stay at home instead of joining her father, younger sister and brother on a planned outing.   

 My SO handled the situation by talking with both girls for almost an hour.   Afterwards, he told me that he condemned the 11 year old’s behavior and made it clear to her that he was unhappy.  He then explained that he had taken BOTH of the girls’ cell phones away.  (This is a standard punishment for the girls, used by both cew and my SO.  These girls are glued to those phones.) 

This seems completely nonsensical to me.  Why would you punish BOTH girls?  What did the 13 year old do? 

I’m constantly put in the position of having to make my SO aware of his behavior AND that of his 11 year old daughter.  I feel that I have to do this, because the dysfunction in front of me is so obvious. 

Of course, getting through to him is difficult.  I resent being the one who is trying to always argue for what’s fair and reasonable.  I don’t want that job.

And although I’ve tried to make him see that he treats his children unfairly, and he has even admitted that there is a problem, he needs to change.

We’ve had variations of the same conversation for months now.  Why does he treat the 11 year old differently?  Does he feel an allegiance to her?  A special bond?  Does he fear her?  I have asked so many times for my SO to help me understand.  He does not know the reasons why he treats her differently.  He also lets his mother say and do a lot of inappropriate things.

Something really needs to change.  I can’t keep raising the same issue for the rest of my life. 

*****************************************************************

For a related post, please see When he has blinders on: part I

Father’s Day weekend

Our attorney sent an email to cew late last week, saying that she was in violation of the visitation court order because of this stunt.  The visitation hand off is 6:00pm on Friday, and cew’s blatant disregard for the court order had cost the children one night of planned vacation activities with their father.  

Our attorney informed cew that my SO had the right to file a contempt charge against her, and requested that cew do the following on Friday night: 

• pick up the kids from the airport at their 11:30pm arrival
• bring them directly to their father’s house, without further interference
• bring bathing suits and appropriate summer clothing for the kids
• bring their sleeping bags
• bring a check to reimburse us for the amount we paid (and lost) for Friday night’s lodging

 cew fired back with an accusatory email, stating that she would love to get in front of a judge to talk about the summer visitation schedule, along with a host of other issues.  She alleged that my SO had committed a laundry list of offenses, and that he refuses to co-parent with her.  One of the allegations was that my SO planned the summer schedule to deprive cew of the two uninterrupted weeks of visitation that she is entitled to.  (cew is always ENTITLED to something.)

Our attorney wrote back and informed cew that she was incorrect.  The court order states no such thing.  Furthermore, my SO has priority scheduling for summer visitation, and he chose the dates months ago, without any objection from cew.  The summer visitation schedule stands as is.

cew then wrote back and questioned the validity of our reimbursement request.  She questioned the receipt we provided for Friday night’s reservation saying, “I don’t understand what this is for.”  We did not even dignify that with a reply.  The receipt clearly says: “for lodging”.

Then cew wrote back, saying that she would pick up the kids at the airport and bring them to our house.

Now, compare the list above of what cew was asked to do with what she actually did:

• cew did not notify my SO that the kids’ plane was delayed.  It arrived at 11:55pm, not 11:30pm.
• cew dropped the kids off at 1:10am on Saturday morning
• the kids had already packed their bathing suits
• cew did not bring their sleeping bags
• cew did not bring a check

Well, it would have been a shock if she did the right thing.  I’m still always amazed at her behavior, though.  I mean, we didn’t even have sleeping bags for the kids, thanks to her.  She could care less about anyone but herself.

Although cew did her best to interrupt our weekend plans, she didn’t spoil the entire Father’s Day weekend.  The rest of the weekend was actually a lot of fun.  I really tried to let go of the anger I felt on Friday night and early Saturday morning, and just enjoy our time together.  The kids had a blast on the trip and said it was “the best ever”. 

Happier? Yes. Wealthier? No.

You’ve probably heard the well-quoted statistic that in the year after divorce, a woman’s standard of living decreases by an average of 73 percent, while a man’s standard of living increases by an average of 42 percent.

I’ve always found this ”statistic” hard to believe.  Take my significant other, for example.  He’s shelled out a fortune in legal bills, just for the right to see his children.  It cost him a lot of money to have joint legal custody.  It cost him a lot of money to defend himself against a barrage of false allegations and a variety of threats.  (It didn’t cost cew a penny.) 

When you add child support payments, individual counseling, family therapy, and attorney fees for cew’s ongoing contempt, threats, and interference, there has probably been a decrease in my SO’s standard of living.

Nevertheless, the belief that a man is financially much better off after divorce has been instrumental in shaping our legal system.  Even though the original study was flawed, these beliefs are still widely-held.   

The stereotype of the ex-wife as the poor, struggling custodial mother prevails.  Of course, after the divorce, a man will be cruising around in his new Porsche and using $20 dollar bills for toilet paper, while his children and ex-wife are starving.  Better increase his child support payment, right? 

I live in a different reality, one where men are not the perpetual bad guys, and women are not the perpetual victims.  My reality consists of a woman who had always mismanaged finances - before, during, and after her divorce.  cew works full-time and receives a reasonable child support payment, but she is always crying poor because she lives way beyond her means.  She made herself a broke single mother.

As for my SO, he’s much happier now then when he was married to a nut.  But he ain’t wealthier.

And on that note, I’ll mention that the attorney received a sizeable check today to address cew’s flagrant disregard for the summer visitation schedule.   My SO can afford it, though.  After all, he is a divorced man.

I’m so pissed

cew has reared her ugly head and has unilaterally decided to change the summer visitation schedule.

The summer visitation schedule was created by my SO and emailed to her on March 1st, which grants him scheduling priority and first choice of dates. The kids are supposed to do every other week with us, with 6pm Friday exchanges, during the summer.

cew had all of March, April, and May to request alterations or raise objections to the summer schedule. Instead, she waited until May 30 to create trouble.

On May 30th she booked the kids on a spur-of-the-moment trip to visit her parents (1,200 miles away).  The kids are flying to the state that cew threatened to move back to.  She specifically chose a return flight for the kids that has them arriving at 11:30pm on Friday night for the first summer visitation exchange.

cew made these reservations without even giving my SO 24 hours to return her request for flexibility on that Friday. He specifically said he needed to check with her about that date, because he was traveling and away from his calendar. She didn’t wait for his answer - she did what was most convenient for her - as usual. She saved several hundred dollars in airfare by having them return at 11:30pm, and I know all too well, money is what’s important to cew.

We have reservations for Father’s Day travel that starts at 6pm on that Friday. Yours truly arranged this little weekend trip as a gift for Father’s Day and I’ve already been charged for a deposit for that weekend that is non-refundable.

Now my SO has to consult his attorney because, aside from cew’s decision to change the summer visitation schedule at the last minute and ruin our Father’s Day weekend plans, she is now claiming that the schedule does not grant her the appropriate amount of time with the kids.

I’m so angry that I can’t write anything more right now.

Poem: In My Next Life….

I came across this poem and thought it might result in a smile or two.

In reality, I don’t think that cew has “all the fun” (and thank G she doesn’t get alimony). But the sentiment rings true sometimes.

In My Next Life I Want to Be the Ex-Wife

I want to be the one who has all the fun,
I want to be the one who has time to get my fingers nails done.
I wouldn’t have to beg to get things fixed and errands done.
And I would be the real mother of your daughter and your son.

I want to be collecting the alimony
And spending money on a Shetland Pony.
Instead of feeding my kids stale bread and bologna.
I want to be eating steak, potatoes and alfredo macaroni.

I would be the one that you couldn’t say “no” to,
And everything we did would be exciting and new.
Our family would be one, not divided in two,
And holiday schedules wouldn’t be a darn-right hullabaloo.

Instead of spending my life in minivans,
And washing the dishes and doing the pans,
I would be making our vacation plans,
Seeing the world, and maybe even holding hands.

It’s not that I am complaining you see,
And I’m not saying that I want to be set free.
But you surely must agree,
A second wife is not easy to be.

So the next time you notice some surface tension,
Or you are trying for a little affection.
Maybe try giving me a little attention
And that ex-wife of yours don’t mention.

Stepcoupling

I recently borrowed “Stepcoupling” from the library, and have found it to be an insightful, helpful book.

“Stepcoupling” focuses on the importance of the adult couple’s relationship in a stepfamily.

The authors explain that at some point, couples move out of the “honeymoon phase” and into the reality of how to deal with the difficulties that being together entails. All of you know these realities….and even though you love your partner, they can make you consider packing your bags and running away.

However, instead of bolting, this is the time when you need to get closer to your partner. Keep communicating, express your love and appreciation for each other, and work to form a united front.

If you don’t take time to nurture your own relationship, trouble ensues. Your bond doesn’t feel as strong…..you feel more vulnerable to friction from ex-spouses…..conflicts with stepchildren seem more painful.

But, as the book describes,

When you feel loved and supported in your stepcouple, you face stepfamily challenges more easily.

It’s a paradox: the strain you feel comes from being in a stepcouple, and turning to your partner is the best way to deal with the strain you feel.

-Stepcoupling, page 21

If you’d like to read some book excerpts, you can find them here.

I’m back

As you can tell, I haven’t posted anything in a while. However, I’ve been visiting all of your blogs regularly, and thinking about all of you in Stepmom Blogland (and also Mr. M).  Over the past few weeks, I was dealing with a minor health issue that put limitations on my computer use.  I had to avoid typing in order to reduce pain.  I have often wanted to leave comments on your blogs, but couldn’t.  However, I’m happy to share that my pain is greatly reduced, and I hope to write more soon.  Until then, you can see me on your blog stats. 

When he has blinders on: part I

I’ve noticed a pattern over the past few months. Or, more accurately, my therapist has made me aware of a pattern involving my SO.

Certain people in my SO’s life have made inappropriate, mildly insulting comments to me, in his presence.

Each time this happens, my SO keeps quiet. He does not address it.

Specifically, I’m talking about comments made to me by:

• his 11 year old daughter (who has acted competitive and disrespectful before), and
• his mother, who made some comments to me during her recent visit that were uncharacteristically jealous and rude.

I don’t understand why my SO does nothing in these situations. It’s like he has blinders on with certain people.

When I talk with him after these incidents, he always gives me 1 or more of the following responses:

1. I wasn’t aware of what was going on.
2. I didn’t realize you were upset.
3. I heard what was said, but thought it was addressed.
4. I heard the comment, but didn’t think it was upsetting.

Yesterday, while we were in the car, the 11 year old asked me a mildly insulting question. The other two kids quipped a one-word response back to her in my defense. I gave her a look that said, now why would you ask me that? She smiled back at me, looking very pleased with herself.

My SO said nothing, and did nothing about his daughter’s comment.

Later that evening, I initiated a discussion with him. As usual, I ask: Didn’t you think that was an odd thing to say? If you don’t think it was malicious, then would you categorize the tone as “friendly”? Why didn’t you say something?

My questions are met with defensiveness, followed by one or more of the responses above.

This most recent incident with the 11 year old has resulted in unproductive conversations, where we keep repeating the same things to each other.

He keeps telling me:

How was I supposed to know that you were upset? Why didn’t you tell me?

I honestly didn’t think it was meant to be upsetting.

How can I be aware of every single thing that is said and done? You expect me to be “perfect”.

I keep saying:

You were right there when this happened. You heard what was said. You later admitted it was a weird thing to say, yet, you said nothing at the time.

Considering that the 11 year old has been disrespectful to me before, I don’t understand why your antena didn’t go up.

We just talked about this issue when your mom was here visiting.

These situations put me in a very awkward position. They are essentially power struggles with another female in his life.

All of the stepmom books I’ve read say that the biological father has the power to demand respect from his children (and other family members) towards you. If he neglects to do so, your standing within the family is significantly impacted, and your role is made even harder.

So what’s a girl to do?

Stay tuned for Part II.  In the meantime, I’d love to hear your comments.

Feelin’ fine

For about two weeks now, we’ve been without a crisis with cew. That’s right, folks: without a crisis. Things have been pretty quiet.

We have good reason to believe that cew has a beau. God bless that man, whoever he is!

But seriously, the break from conflict has been good for my spirit. It’s allowed me to refocus on my life and what I want it to be. I’ve noticed that other bloggers are in a similar place lately.

I’ve realized that for a long time, I’ve been living in a state of almost-constant anxiety. My emotions and sense of security have been too closely tied to the actions of cew and the kids. What crisis do we have to deal with now? Will the kids act out this weekend? What is cew threatening now?

A downturn in cew’s mood has a domino effect. If she is miserable, then she inflicts misery on my SO and the kids. This pattern has brought stress, fear and utter chaos into my world.

When cew is in a good place emotionally, everyone else is noticeably relaxed and happy. There are no threats. There is little to no interference with visitation.

The ripple effect is powerful.

Ironically, I became fully aware of these patterns during this recent “collective upturn”. I realize that I’ve been giving other people too much power over my own happiness.

Now that I’m in the eye of the storm, I don’t want to go back.

I want to experience my own feelings, without worrying about how someone else’s feelings will ruin my day. I don’t want to be held hostage emotionally, and I don’t have to be.

I can think of thousands of things I’d like to do with my new-found time and energy.

Goodbye, ripple effect.

Hello, peace of mind.

Today’s thought: do it now

I expect to pass this way but once.  Therefore if there be any kindness I can show or any good that I can do, let me do it now.

-William Penn